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The irony doesn’t escape me
that I couldn’t leave Vrindavana
even if I wanted to. I ponder my life.

So many devotees want to visit
and here I’m on an extended stay
first for 11 months and now 5 more.

I know it is special mercy for me
yet, it is the toughest love ever
though I can still smile at my plight.

I am externally “in” Vrindavana
though far from eternal lila here
and the self-forgetfulness of love.

As usual I have to face my shortcomings
and yet also see my good fortune
with some devotion and dedication.

I live with my Deities and pictures
the holy name surrounds me
and I must surrender, w/no other choice.

I can’t tell how I am really doing
whether I am getting worse
or just creeping along on hold.

I am between a unique Ayurvedic treatment
and western medicine and I can’t consult
either system and so I go day by day in limbo.

Vrindavana wouldn’t be a bad place to die
though I don’t feel I have given back enough,
satisfied that I gave my best with heart and soul.

If I could give my all to serve others
in the most appropriate way for at least
a few more years, that would be welcome.

Still, who knows the plan of the Lord
or what is really the best option for their lives?
I can only try to aspire and pray to surrender.

So, despite my level of pain and uncertainty
generally, I feel hopeful that I’m in the Lord’s hands
and I keep on keeping on, praying to be receptive.

I send my love and whatever blessings I can
to my family and readers with the prayer that
what I go through and share will help us all.

Life is uncertain for everyone and there’s no solid
ground other than our loving devotional attempt
to serve and live the life of the soul in service.

Life, disease, old age, or death are not in our control
but we can aspire to realize our spiritual potential
dedicating our life energy to the God of our heart.

"O my Lord, as powerful as fire, O omnipotent one, now I offer You all obeisances, falling on the ground at Your feet. O my Lord, please lead me on the right path to reach You, and since You know all that I have done in the past, please free me from the reactions to my past sins so that there will be no hindrance to my progress." [Sri Iso mantra 18]